Can Anybody Stop My World - It Appears to Be Spinning

2006-06-02T14:12:00.000-05:00

The Purity of His Creation

Some days I feel so distant from God
When suddenly He reveals Himself to me
A lone tree standing strong in a field
Or the humbling view from a mountain peak
The waters conversation with the shore
The irony of a desert stream
Wind whispering through the woods
A sunset burning the oceans face
When lightning splits the sky from the Heaven to the Earth
It’s the place where mortality falls away
and I’m left with the simplicity of it all
The evidence of God painted across the horizon
Stripped of any human interpretation
Absent of any distractions
Without opportunity to be Marthas,
Just the privilege to sit like Marys
Drinking in the wisdom of God’s Message
Viewing the snapshot of His beauty
Absorbing the purity of the moment
Knowing there is a God in heaven
Who reveals mystery and grace
And meets us daily on this earth
In this very place

2005-05-11T00:25:00.000-05:00

How Many Times (In Response to Psalms 79-83)
How many times will I grab for things of this world, feel the sensation under my skin, and open my hand to find it empty?
How many times will life disappoint and you've rescued me?
How many times will I try before I stop trying anymore?
How many times will I step on to this platform of pride and the bottom drops out?
How many times will this web of security I spin, end up strangling me with its control?
How many times will you cry out for me and I be distracted or not listen?
How many times will you be there for me when I least deserve it?
How many times will you love me for the relationship you have to me, not for my personality or actions?
How many times will you caress my wounds and wipe my tears?
How many times will I grab for things from you and find my hand turns up FULL, constant and faithful?
How many times will you be God and I be the the "one you love"?

Lord save me from my own lusts
Nothing good ever seem to come from them anyway
What if I could be filled with only You
What true grace would befall me then?
Would I walk with splendor or humility?
Show me what it is to love you, live for you, and die for you
Show me as many times as it takes

2005-04-28T15:40:00.000-05:00

A Lullaby for the Stressed

Before morning breaks ...
There's tears that must come
And fears that must go
Many question I'll ask
But few answers I'll know

My dreams aren't as vivid
As the deception of life
And the disappointment it offers
Brings disillusion to light

My soul holds me hostage
With the sin that it hides
And a blanket of loneliness
Falls over all sides

Who knows what awaits us
On the other side of night
When morn burns the horizon
And God brings his light

So rise in my head
Shine through my fears
Burn with your warmth
Break through my tears

Sing to my spirit
Let it fall on my ears
And create me all over
As morning light nears

2005-04-23T10:27:00.000-05:00

A Psalm of Giving
Let me continue to love as you love
Not that many of my debts on earth or heaven could ever be repaid by any act of generosity of kindness
But let me love as the kingdom of God is here on earth
Without limits, knowing that my needs will be provided by your very hand
Let me give with gladness
Let me live simply, so that all my excess can be used for those that need it.
And help me to present it with dignity
Let it show on my face the joy of providing for my family
And make me a woman of integrity
Let my 'yes' be yes and my 'no' be no
Let me not only be intuitive to others needs, but prompt me to ASK what is going on in their lives.
And let me find times to be quiet and listen to your heart, so I know I'm acting on it.
Lord let you shine on this day and as the night comes may you rest with us.
Amen

2005-04-20T01:12:00.000-05:00

Sanctuary of God
(A Walk through a Prayer Labryinth)

Hold my hand
Rub my back
Breathe me in & Dont take it back
Because I can take no more unfailing love
As the music chants, I wait for the touch of a hand, the brush on my back, or the breath that seems like something more than usual.
Nothing happens, I came to the center and knelt as a prince and repeated waiting, not willing to leave until I felt something.
"Well, perhaps it will happen at the end" I think and I walk as a bride would between the many lines until I exit the circle and drop to my knees at the altar giving one more LONG chance for God to make Himself known to me and give me the presence I long for.
I prayed and words from the Christmas story come to me of all things. As I said them, they didnt seem quite right, but I dont try to coerse the moment and just let them flow ... "Then the angel came to Mary and said onto them 'Lo a child will be born and they will call him Jesus, because he will save you from your sin'" ... Now as I repeat it, I realize the words are "Immanuel, God with us!" That is what they will call him, that is what he was trying to say.
He was there, he is HERE,
That is the phrase.
That is what he was trying to say!

And the fragile sand dollar broke in my hand and the doves flew out. And a beetle ran across the floor and I couldnt kill it. As I tried to sacrifice it in the flame of the candle, it only scurried at me and I jumped and laughed at myself a good belly laugh.

2005-04-20T00:42:00.000-05:00

Let me refuse you nothing
And accept from your hand
......everything that is given
Let not my fears overtake me
And may I continue to speak
..........the Truth this time
And if I fall
let me be humble and rise up again
........Let me continue to meet you face to face in all I do
......................Let it become to my heart like an unending prayer

My love is no short life sentence
It is grief lodge under my skin
It is strength pushed beyond its bounds
...It is compassion in the most sincere form ...
.............A cup of water, a nurturing touch,
....................................or tears shared in pain

Lord, may my first and last breath of the day
.... be from the inspiration that
flows from your nostrils
................And may Your glory
.......................be in the covenant of my love,
..................my passion, my devotion and
..............................my obedience to you
............You are my God and I your faithful servant

2004-09-01T17:44:00.000-05:00

Sorry people, my blog is suffering for lack of time to spend on the computer. However good news for me it means I'm busy. However, I am kind of dying to keep up with friendships in my spare time, so I'm not sorry that my extra time has been spent "in person" with people. I've been thinking about friendships lately and the importance of having them and my responsibility to them. I hope no one out there feels taken advantage of lately. My head seems to be spent spinning with stuff to do and the commute to the grand city of Plymouth appears to be soaking up a greater percentage of time than I originally thought. I will make a short list of what's going on with me and if anymore APB's are put out on me (luv ya Laura), feel free to send them this link.

1. (Deleted to protect the guilty and innocent)

2. I have decided against buying and am looking in the new Nicollet/40th neighborhood area, possibly and hopefully with my new roommate Anna Resele.

3. I am on "Day 2" of excercising in the morning. It just has to be 20 mins, but I am trying to discipline myself into a habit of activity everyday. Next week comes the diet ... I'm not sure what that will be yet, but I know it needs to be something with less cola in it. My hands have been crackling when I massage. Kind of embarassing, besides a big sign of what is happening inside my body.

4. Massage has been steady, but I need to push it even more. I put out a small load of letters for chair massage gigs and GMC contacted me to possibly do massage at the Auto Show in October for Suburban, I hope I get the gig. It would be good money and I could employ some of my friends.

5. Ooops, I guess I havent blogged about "Fabulous" yet. We had a terrific 2 weeks of dating when he was here and I hoped to keep "something" up (I dont/didnt know what) when he went back to L.A. What that appears to be is that he calls once a week, but for a Cancer like me ... I'm dont know if I have enough attention span for that long in between. He is a very busy guy with many commitments, 2 businesses, a career on TLC's TS and a house in Venice and Scottland. But so far, I'm just having fun getting to know him. I tell him to tell me a story about himself everytime we talk, cuz sheez he's got more than me, hands down and I still smile when he calls, so that is good. Hopefully, we will hook up again, perhaps in SCOTTLAND next time where he owns his grandfather's house still.

6. Shana and I are going to the fair on Saturday afternoon and into the evening, perhaps catching the free Shawn Colvin concert, if anyone wants to join us.

7. I finished my last book submission, one big deadline left. I will share something from it sometime soon.

Well I got to blow this pop stand and for you that are watching my blog updates, dont expect too much too soon.

2004-07-19T14:36:00.000-05:00

So I hope a marvelous weekend was had by all. As my birthday week celebrations began, I can say I was quite pleased with mine. From the Mpls Block Party to Breakfast in Waconia to a Barbeque at Colleens and KPs (thank you kindly lovely ladies) to drinks on a friend's deck after and waterskiing the next day with his family on the St. Croix to drinking wine on Shana's veranda. Each was a fantabulous addition to my Birthday.

I unfortunately woke up with a splitting headache and am quickly trying to shag it, since I expect to get one this evening ;-) Mom has asked to take me out for lunch or dinner for my birthday and I realize that some things are a gift to others not yourself. As previously stated in person, I am available until Thursday for other celebrations, just let me know :-) Well off to the Drapes place before break, so they can sing to me and lavish me with tasty deserts. I'm hoping for chocolate. Here's to a great year, I wish my friend Jason was here to give me a Birthday wish, he was always good at giving me specific wishes for the year.

2004-07-15T14:15:00.001-05:00

Two Things to Share and I'm Out of Here

First: MY TIP FOR MEN EVERYWHERE
I have been in the company of some guy friends recently and here is my tip, it doesnt matter what the relationship of the women to you, but DO NOT, I repeat if you are tempted FLEE, I SAY! and DO NOT say in the presence of another woman other than your mother "Whoa that girl was georgeous!" or "hot" or any other such synonym, unless you are referring to a mirror reflecting the countenance of the girl you are with. I dont care if I am your friend, and you are not going to clarify that situation by saying such things, the only thing you are going to do is tell me YOU are an insensitive ass and I AM a less attractive girl by far then the one you have just referenced. May I add a disclaimer than I am in no way in some men bashing mood, I just realized that it appears you guys didnt realize this was hurtful, by the number of times I've heard it in the last year.

SECOND: HOLDING HANDS
Okay so I am writing a book on touch, just small vignettes interspersed with prayers. Today I decided to write on holding hands. I have actually started two relationships that have been pretty nice, by the signifigance of holding hands. One I just reached out and grabbed his hand and he commented later that he was surprised by it and liked it (and I guess me too) and the other was my first love, Brian, he had told me he didnt hold hands with just girl friends, but those he was romantically interested in he did, so as he reached out and grabbed my hand across the table one night it was communicating he was no longer interested in a girl he had broken up with but WAS with me. Well I love Brian and not to step on his grave but why dont we hold hands as friends??? It is so deeper than a sexual urge, but I think is just the sweetest comfort. To me it is like an adult version of a kid jumping in your lap and curling up! What do you think of hand holding?

Sorry I gotta run to do a massage. I will look for a response later!

2004-07-12T22:19:00.000-05:00

GREATEST THING TO HAPPEN THIS WEEKEND: Sorry this deserves upper case AND bold. My nephew made it to Kuwait on Saturday!!! I realize some of the hard stuff is yet to come, but he is safe, he is healthy and he is alive, for all this I am grateful. One of the guys in his company got hit in the shoulder with mortar during the attack on the airport last Tues (July 5th) he is paralyzed from the neck down and is still in Iraq in hospitalization. I am reminded of all those he left behind in Iraq. I've started writing a prayer for them, I will insert it later. But please remember these father, sons, brothers, nephews, daughters, moms, and sisters often in your prayers. I worry about them.

Other good things that have happened since I last wrote: I had sushi with Anna & Laura, I laid out in the sun TWICE with Naomi "I LOVE THE SUN - IT MAKES ALL THINGS BETTER" ... repeat after me ;-) I also spoke to Dave Smith on IM a week ago, he was taking some time off from studying at the Airforce Academy and I was thinking I totally adore that guy, nothing particular that he said, but do you ever talk to someone and you just remember everything you like about them and just beam. I kind of did that with Laura and Anna too, I am such an experiencer or maybe just a lover, I love my friends they are the greatest arent they?! :-D

Okay I need to finish Laura's shower present, I'll finish this later!

2004-07-02T10:00:00.000-05:00

A Dating Story: So my friend that "tore my skirt" off last year by accident has been dating this girl recently. I looked him up again and he invited me out with this girl he has been dating, himself and 2 other couples and another guy. The guy was the only single one besides myself there. As the night proceeded I came to the conclusion he was probably gay. He gave no notice to the waitress that was flirting mercily with him and he was pretty shy, but the only thing he lit up about was his friend "bill" which he talked about over and over. So I kind of laughed when my friend Brent called to tell me he wanted my number. I decided what the heck and we met at Herkimer's on Thursday for lunch. (Ironically the scene of the crime for Brent and my date).

So during lunch he asked me a few questions, it appeared he was trying really hard. However, he avoids eye contact all the time, he waved and looked at me when I came in and pulled out my chair, but the second I sat down the eyes darted. It seemed like when I walked into his "intimacy zone" he was so uncomfortable. Mind you that "intimacy zone" was sitting across the table from him. Okay but here is the point, once again the only time he locked eyes and was comfortable was when he was talking about "Bill", his eyes lit up and he was truly excited about it! Also he told me he grew up in a Missouri Senate Church, not the most excepting of a gay lifestyle. I need a girl or guy with good gaydar, but I'm pretty sure I'm not the girl to show up on a Oprah show 10years from now stunned my husband just told me he was gay. We'll see if he asks me out again as to what I will tell him, but I feel I need to say something ... hmm. Any ideas?

2004-06-30T09:52:00.000-05:00

WHY AM I STILL TALKING???
So I had an appointment with my chronic pain client today and she asked me a question about going to this new spiritual director/massage therapist because she refered her to some chiropractor that did "energy work" on her. In an effort to not be "that" therapist that will say something bad about other therapist just to keep their business. I asked her if she ever had done meditation, because I thought she could use the "centering" and "grounding" (she has an anxious quality about her) and she then asked questions ... somehow from there I said something about her flitting around from place to place, which sounded offensive, then I tried to explain it, which brought me someplace else that I didnt even mean and it just became one big mess. I was like why is my mouth still moving????

Then later I had a conversation with someone about another friend and that person had started to call her and I'm like WHAT are the chances and I was thinking I shouldnt be having this conversation with her, she doesnt need to have any bias towards this guys. JUST SHUT UP ALREADY MAR!!!! Put your lips together and just stop and think.

2004-06-29T08:41:00.000-05:00

A bunch of people were talking about the fact of being single, you are afraid to offer complements, because you fear they will be misconstrued as greater romantic interest than mere appreciation of the person. Well I hope others risk that misinterpretation for the greater end, so this section of my blog I offer with love and without reservation or fear of the risk it would incur.

Compliments of the day :
Cory, you can be the master of a compliment and I hope I express mine of you as much as you do me.

TK, you are the best hugger and I appreciate that you are as free with them as I want to be with my compliments. There is nothing like a big guy to give you a squeeze that makes you feel secured.

Laura, you're love for family and friends does not go unnoticed and I know your nephews and nieces will survive as they get older just by the love you have shown so far in their lives. They will know what true love is.

John Gross(sp?), you are my hero! Thanks for taking on Evan as a mentor and fighting for the underdog! You are the ones that fight for those that can not fight for themselves. You are my hero.

Thank God the lily resurrected!I am so lucky that damn thing came back to life. I neglected it for over a week, because both my "mothers" ... the real one and my older sister ... told me to water it. I was so irritated by being over babied that I refuse to water it until my sister discovered the offspring of my stubborness almost drooping to the ground.

The ripped skirt guy lives in his incarnated "gay friend". Stay posted for Thursday's recap of lunch.

So last night I saw Eternal Sunshine of the spotless mind with LT. Yes I realize we are the last ones to see this movie, but when it was done both Laura and I just sat there like we were still caught in the confusion. That movie was messed up! I would never like memories erased. Those memories that are great and yet painful, I would never trade, no matter how great the pain. Those that are painful and unhappy, well I would rather not learn that lesson twice. As the saying goes, what doesnt kill me, makes me stronger. I have loved, I have lost and I have yet to experience great joys and great pains, I am sure.I say bring them on! ... wait a second ... let's bring on a few good ones first God, if I can choose! :-)

Well no more marketing calls this morning, I think I scared them away.

2004-06-28T09:17:00.000-05:00

Best moments of this weekend: Thats a toughy ... I will do a Top Three list how about, in no particular order. 1. A Double Feature of Notebook (A smart love story) & The Terminal (funny & charming) 2. Ending up at the farmers market on Saturday morning, (bing cherries,fresh lemonade, a smothered hotdog,and bought a bunch of beautiful papers and some new watercolor pencils), I stopped by the graveyard by the Lakes and sat by the Gravestone marked "HOPE" and wrote my journal on life giving stuff, then headed over for a little time with the lovely miss towle 3. Had a couple of great meals with old friends I havent seen for a while.

Stupid Phone Marketers! So I decided to blog today after I got a phone call for David, my father who has been dead for two years. I have temporarily moved in with my mother for two months while I find a place to live. She is in Alaska for a month and in the week she has been gone I have received numerous calls for "Jean or Dave". Marketers are normally annoying, but I wonder how my mom deals with this constant insensitive reminder of her beloved husbands death. Today I received a call that went something like this:

"Hello"
"Hello, is David there?" (phone bank noises behind him)
"No he's not" (in an annoyed voice, relatively speaking I guess, really there is reminders of him all over this house)
"Is there a good time to reach him?"
"No"
"Is this Jean?"
"No this is her daughter, can I help you?"
"Do you make decisions for them regarding siding for the house?"
"No I have no decision making power whatsoever?"
"Will your dad be back later?"
"No he doesnt live here anymore." (tongue in cheek)
"Does your mom live there?"
"Yes. But we have no siding and we will not be installing any ever again. My father is dead and your marketing attempts are not welcome here. Please do not call again."

Sheez, I cant believe how annoyed I am getting by such calls. Do you think he is writing on HIS blog about the crazy wench he called that day? ;-) Any suggestions for future calls?

2004-06-23T21:57:00.000-05:00

Best Thing to Happen to Me: Had a great lunch with Naomi, but getting my phone for $70 has to be the big winner.

So it was nice to have lunch with Naomi at the Rainbow Restaurant. I still get a kick out of having lunch with friends on a work week, there is something about it that makes me feel like I'm playing hooky. Wierd since I've been out of the corporate grind for like 4 years now! Other favorites are seeing a late night movie on a "school night" or waking a roommate,getting some food and watching a storm in the middle of the night, or calling in sick and doing something fun. I still remember the time Kristin and I went to Noah's Ark in Wisconsin Dell and I called FROM the park to my work (Wells Fargo) and told my boss I was sick!!!! Unbelievable. So What was your best hookie story?

Other funny event for the day: I was at Barnes and Noble by the Galleria and as I was checking out, some cops entered and went to the office behind the check out where there was a kid (probably 16-18)with a stack of books he had undoubtedly been caught shoplifting. Boy have times changed since I was a kid. I stalled as long as I could to see what books there were, but only could tell that they were likely some fiction and some text or how-to books of some kind. I hope the cops pointed out the fact there was a public library just across the street. What do you think the appropriate prosecution is for stealing books??? :-)

2004-06-21T23:10:00.000-05:00

Best thing that happened today: Talked to a friend that I havent talked to in years. It was good to catch up with Rachelle and she was just the breath of "positive" I needed to give this day a boost.

So sorry this has been ages and hopefully my blogging will go unnoticed for awhile. I have decided that things are loading on the Questions side of my life list: Where should I live? Rent vs Buy? Roomie vs No Roomie? What Roomie? What to do with a guy that doesnt appreciate me and what to do with the guy that likes me that I dont appreciate? How do I bring some sort of consistency in my income, how do I keep myself from plateauing in my craft(school,mentor,etc)? Do I pursue areas of touch that are not money makers? How do I fund them? Which ones do I pursue? Or do I take a crazy offer for a place to live and a job offered to me in NC? Obviously that is an easy option in some ways, but it is rash and a cheap way out in many others. I lost my weekly client today and it has made me rethink all this crap.

So I would be completely okay with something in the answer column before I get anymore questions if you're interested God. I know I am not alone and there are others with much more pains in life. But (cause everyone has a big butt) my mother says I have to get better for asking for things, so here is my request. If I have ever been an encouragement or help to you in some way and you have anything left in your reservoirs besides what you need, feel free to volley back my way these days. Sweet dreams all, may you receive some well needed answers yourself.

2004-04-05T14:14:00.000-05:00

"Is it really cheating if it's Coca Light"? - Day 38
Well Coca Light tasted like Coke to me so I had a couple of sips and never drank it after that. I missed my Raspberry Diet Rite and I admittedly had a can of the REAL liquid crack at the airport. If KP bought it for me, does that make her my "supplier"? Well I will take responsibility for it enough to say she didnt stuff it down my throat. No I put my own hand to can, can to lips, and the sugary burning sweetness poured down my throat. I am no longer addicted ... well at least not to that ;-)

2004-03-24T11:25:00.000-06:00

"The DC was Warm" - Day 28 of fast and Day 23 of not cheating -
So yesterday on the way home from my Design appointment, I snapped open the can and took a large sip of warm lime coke. Of course I had to partake on the one day it was warm in Minnesota and it was majorly unsatisfying. I'm not certain now I will even drink DC in the Dominican (Boo Hoo). I then poured the remainder out my window on my door handle to see if it would burn away the super glue that dripped from my door handle repair. I am still watching. I took a picture of it when I got home and I will keep you posted. If it does, I believe DC will make a resurgance in my life, just this time as a household cleaner. :-)

2004-03-21T23:04:00.000-06:00

Day 25 of fast and Day 20 of not cheating -
Time is flying by and I have still not partaken of the nectars of the gods in almost over 3 weeks, nor the can sitting in my car for 4 days now. I can not believe it has been almost 3 weeks since I last had one. I had dreams that I was on the Apprentice and Donald Trump asked me why I shouldnt be fired and I rehearsed my answers that I would tell him and delivered what I thought was a fairly good answer. I am not sure if this is evidence of my desire to play the game or evidence of my nervous energy of not wanting to drink the can of Diet Coke. I still think out scenarios of drinking them as almost a test of my strength not too. So goes the fight. :)

2004-03-19T10:23:00.000-06:00

Day 23 of fast and Day 18 of not cheating -
Okay KP, definitely you can have my can of Diet Coke. No need to catch it from my hand as I pour it out! :-) I was telling Javs and Naomi I was hoping to give it to a needy person anyway. I hate to see a good DC go to waste when there is possibly some sleepy, gunky throated, lack of sparkle person out there! I had a realization as I left the airport this morning and the Guatemala group leaving, I realized I will be drinking DC in the DR fo' sure! I mean, I cant drink Margarita's all day and I'm sure there will be no Red Raspberry Diet Rite in Puerto Plata. So ladies dont you dare stop me! I'm drinkin it. :-)

Well my first sign of Spring is the snowbank out back melting and David finding my wallet in it. Thanks Dave! Although I'm confident he never reads this. So in that case, Dave I'll reward you greatly, perhaps a new Bentley or something. Just make sure to remind me I wrote this. he,he. Sucker. ;-)

2004-03-18T16:12:00.000-06:00

Day 22 of fast and Day 17 of not cheating -
So I finally removed the Diet Coke from the fridge at work and moved it to my car. I really struggled over the question of why I couldnt drink just one and return to a consistent diet of not drinking it. I know you might question my ability to do so after reading my blog, but if I dont do it, how will I know. I called my sponsor ... or prayer partner as the case can be and she was unavailable. So then I dialed Anna who was on the road, but available by phone. She told me "You know what would feel really empowering? To empty it out." Not buying it, I emphasized the fact that I didnt think that Diet Coke should be the boss of me and I just thought it might taste good and it was there, why couldnt I drink it and not return to the habit of it. I'm not really sure what she said from there, I know it made sense and it included not drinking it, but pretty much all I heard from then on was the Peanuts teacher saying "wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah".

I figured I would probably empty it out, but I needed some time for it to settle in. My stubborn/defiant side shows itself at these times and I need to just let these things settle in and mull on it before I can swallow it so to speak. So the Diet Coke sat in my car. It sat in my car as I went up to church to set up my table, it sat in my car as I drove home, it sat in my car as I went to my apartment. Where I had an IM conversation with Naomi and Javs who told me to "step away from the car Marlene" "Open the DC, pour it out on the ground and step away from the open can" ;-) Blah, blah, blah. I think I could drink it and return to my fast, however I'm considering that perhaps it is not so much that I can, but the contest comes more in not.

2004-03-15T23:22:00.000-06:00

Day 19 of fast and Day 14 of not cheating -
So two weeks of no diet coke, what is that like my paper or cotton anniversary? So this weekend I taught a seminar on the Touch as it relates to the Physicality of God. My cousin was there and we sat down in front of a big huge basket of sodas. There it was in all its sparkling glistening splendor with a red stripe around it. I told my cousin, a recovering alcoholic what I was doing and might have mentioned some of my difficulties with such and she said "Girl we need to get you into a twelve step program"
Step 1 - "We admitted we were powerless over Diet Coke - that our lives had become unmanageable."
Step 2 - "Came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity". (sheez, a higher power can do THAT?)
Step 3 - "Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood him." (I didnt realize I was denying all this. Huh?)

Okay at FOUR it gets complicated, I will continue my addiction and return to the Steps tomorrow, but for now ... I sleep! Anything that requires charts is not best done at midnight.

2004-03-12T14:07:00.000-06:00

Day 16 of fast and Day 11 of not cheating -
I feel like an addict that was just sent to buy drugs for someone else. My coworker asked me to grab her a Diet Coke from McDonalds (I know that Shelley doesnt know where to start with ragging on that last phrase!he,he). As I filled her glass, I wanted to just slurp the Seductive Sparkling Caffeine beverage I once supported and loved. I wondered if it felt outcast by my abandonment of it. Do you think? I'm sorry brown soda of the Gods, I am certain there are more to worship you left and I still do as well, but I'm not good enough for you. In fact when I put you in my mouth you turn to toxic waste. I'm sorry, but it's me not you. ;-)

2004-03-11T01:18:00.000-06:00

Day 14 of fast and Day 9 of cheating -
So yesterday I had a great photoshop pic of Diet Coke with my lip prints on it. Kind of my own personal shrine over the grave of my "love". However, I found out that shrine will cost me an extra upteen dollars to upgrade to Ultimate Blogspot or whatever it is called. So for now my description will have to do!

Description (You didnt think I was serious did ya?): It was a Diet Coke bottle with sweat dripping off it. Then I kissed a piece of paper for a personal touch and scanned it in and then photoshopped it on to the bottle. It was a personal gift of love and work of art. he,he. I have no possible reason to EVER say anything about Jenell's stories about her catnow, unless I am totally just kidding. Please know that is true if I do Jenell. I am just giving you a hard time in jest.

Speaking of Jenell, she told me she appreciated "my ability to live without shame - able to laugh at yourself and tell other people of your failings". Well thank you, but I tell you Jenell, not to get all serious in this blog, but there was a time where I was very much a deciever in my life. I was very insecure and I was quite performance = love oriented. When my life blew up and everybody knew the truth about how bad of a screw up I really was, I discovered two things. The first, that I never want to be that out of touch with God again and the second, I was better off to have ONE friend who kind of loved me faults and all, than several friends in love with someone I wasnt. The irony of this time was that it was an extremely insecure position for people to accept an illusion I had created and not have anyone know who I truly was. Besides it is extremely exhausting to live in a dillusional world, I would rather keep to a less attractive reality. It is much more condusive to my laziness ;-)

Okay enough seriousness, back to Diet Coke. I dont have much to say today, except I think I am finding myself to be like a smoker who has given it up. I am getting fat, since I am taking away my "diet" drink and have now subsituted sweets and more sweets! Oie avey what a viscious circle. I must now excercise to enable my excess sweet eating. :-) Run 1 mile ... eat one donut ... Run 2 miles ... have Mountain Dew. Okay here is my question for all those that are actually reading this thing. What is your one junk food guilty pleasure? ... Mine is Hostess Cupcakes. LOL I'm crazy for them. I mean not every day, but if I feel like splurgin or am down, it's HCs for me. They are high up in my comfort foods. So come on, lets here 'em!

2004-03-08T09:19:00.000-06:00

Day 12 of fast and Day 7 of cheating -
It's been a complete week without cheating. Last night I discussed with Shana and a client yesterday that it will always be a temptation I think. It seems if I have the opportunity, that unfortunately my ability to just "roll things off my back" does not allow me to keep a long memory. So I forget all the things that are bad for me about it or it doesnt seem that bad. Perhaps I need a medallion with my dental bill engraved on the back, so I can look at it every day or have it have a chart with inflation value, because In 2020, $1800 may not seem that bad. You know? Well thanks to those at Chipotle that help me resist the Diet Coke fountain, damn it would have tasted so good with a slice of lime and my guac and chips! :-P

2004-03-05T10:36:00.000-06:00

Day 9 of the fast and Day 4 of no cheating -
So I guess I'm simply amused. To change my day from 3 to 4 gave me great joy. You perhaps dont understand the sacrifice of such addiction, but perhaps if you were to bind all the fingers on your primary hand, you would realize how much I think about it a day and how much it has a place in my day. ... hmm that kind of looks pathetic when you write it that way doesnt it?

Note: Must switch off Fresca, all the citrus juices are giving me cancor sores.

2004-03-04T15:11:00.000-06:00

Day 8 of the fast and Day 3 of no cheating -
Well I just finished lunch with my friend Sharon who drinks DC religiously and made it through lunch without drinking. I told her to get me an orange juice to distract me, but her Diet Coke sure look gooooooooooood. [insert salivation here] I however denied my urges and counted my 3 day sobriety landmark. It is my only source of successful motivation. Plus I have a bone to pick with Jimmy, I dont know what he's talking about, because I find no amazingly great feeling from stopping this carcinogen. If I think real hard, perhaps I dont have toothaches so much, but heck for this sacrifice I should be reaching nirvana!!!!!!!!!! Baby Step through Day 3 and more Baby Steps to Day 4.

2004-03-03T12:21:00.000-06:00

Day 7- Okay so I am officially now having dreams about cheating drinking Diet Coke. Last night I dreamt I was cleaning off the table after a dinner party and took a big gulp of a 1/2 empty glass of DC left on the table!!!!!!!!! Oh my gosh, didnt I see this same scenario with alcohol on an After School Special when I was 13??

Okay I'm still off Diet Coke and woke up with a killer hangover/headache from not having any. I need to drink more water, but Fresca is slightly helping me ween off the dark devil juice (aka DC) for now.

2004-03-02T10:21:00.000-06:00

[pant, pant] need Diet Coke [sweating, sweating] must have Diet Coke [sigggghhhhhhh]

I am home today, it will be a real test. I have cucumbers and pea pods, plus I have some sugar free chocolate pudding, but I'm out of whip cream. They are just not doing it for me and although I dont have any DC left in the house, it is only a block away!!

HOW do you discipline people do this?????? I think I might need a detox center and my own support counselor to hold me when I rock back and forth in my straight jacket. That would be nice! Any offers?

p.s. is that bugs on the wall for real? ;-)

2004-03-01T22:21:00.000-06:00

Day 6 - Later that night
So I have officially not had ANY Diet Coke today and I feel relatively fine. By the way thanks KP, you're the best! So I cut up some veggies and put them in containers and made some sugarfree chocolate pudding and got some whip cream. Hopefully this will satisfy the category of interesting things to stuff in my face when opening the fridge. However, I had a close call at the check out when the delay of check out brought me face to face with the COKE frigerator! But I didnt partake ... yay ... baby steps as the much cheated oscar nominee would say. Off to do my random stream of consciousness, no I didnt do it.

2004-03-01T12:29:00.000-06:00

Day 6 - Okay I procrastinated in blogging, because I'm still cheating, I'm still dont seem to have found the magic component to stop my habit and things seem to be the same as they were on Day 1! ugh, ugh, ugh.

I missed doing my random stream of consciousness on the 20th of the month. Every 20th (same day of the month as my birthday) I do a random stream of consciousness on what is live giving to me for 30 mins and then at the end I do a 2 min time of names of people that pop into my head or have been on my mind the last weeks or at that very moment. They generally tend to be names of people that are life giving to me, those that are commited to my life on some depth or those that perhaps I need to bring some "life" to.

After teaching Pilates tonight, I think I will stop and do this on the way home and see if it reenergizes me or redirects my thinking from the "negative" to the "positive".

2004-02-27T11:36:00.000-06:00

Day 3 - I walk in shame today as yesterday I had a can of diet coke sitting in my car just "chillin" and about 12pm, I gave in and drank a whole can in one sitting. Somebody busted me on the first sip, and then i just sucked the rest down. My carb grams were alright until my roommate after telling me difficult news and crying on my shoulder then asked if I wanted LeeAnn Chins ... How could I turn her down?????? I am so Swedish! To turn her down would have been an act of abandonment. Solidarity in her time of need that's all it was. Honest ... oh yeah and 45 grams of carbs I guess too.

So my homework is to break down the ingredients of Diet Coke and research what they do and find out which one is the culprit. I'm not sure what this is going to prove, but I am looking for more incentive not to drink.

Ingredients: carbonated water, caramel color, natural flavors, phosphoric acid, potassium benzoate, aspartame, citric acid, acesulfame potassium, caffeine, phenylalanine

Ingredient for the day: Carbonated Water
In reviewing information provided by the National Osteoporosis Foundation ( http://www.nof.org), there is no indication that carbonation affects bone loss. There has been research that suggests that excessive consumption of caffeine may increase bone loss and, therefore, increase risk of osteoporosis. Many carbonated beverages contain moderate levels of caffeine, so consuming large amounts of them may increase risk of osteoporosis.

I have cravings already and it is soon lunch time, so in the words of Bernie Mac, "Walk with me Jesus, Walk with me"

2004-02-25T22:46:00.000-06:00

okay i definitely went over my grams! I must check but my turkey dog finished me off and then I had a 1/2 a ham sandwich .... yep. I should be ashamed and ... uh, that inch of Diet Coke turned into a whole can by the time I arrived at work. Note to self, leave the DC home when attempting resistance. :-(

2004-02-25T15:26:00.000-06:00

Day 1 - I've drank exactly one inch of Diet Coke and must leave for a massage now. I am not very good at this fasting thing. I cant exactly fast and keep strong enough to do massage for 2-3 hours, so I have gone down to 100 grams of carbs and vegetables are free. So I decided I suck at the discipline of aligning myself with Christ's suffering as I took a slice of that great cinnamon circle bread at work this morning 17 grams .... exactly 4 grams less than a hummingbird and the weight of your soul I guess. Later was another 10Gs wasted with Cheetos and another 20 on my sugarfree trifle I saved from Fat Tuesday! Oiey avey, I think I might have to fast from 4pm on by the looks of it .... I have exactly 23 grams left! Unless of course there is a spare donut wedged in the seat of my car or something. [head shake] I've got to get me some discipline one of these days. Off to rub.

2004-02-24T16:35:00.000-06:00

Pre Quitting Day 2 - I gave a massage this morning and as she lay on her stomach, I was leaning over her back and failed to stifle this huge yawn that sounded a bit like a gasp. I couldnt lie to her I was totally busted. I just want to say, "My name is Marlene Larson and I'm a Diet Cokaholic" and I can hardly stay awake! [yawn] So 2pm I gave myself one. I think it is totally a con by my body to get me to indulge, but what the hey it is still Fat Tuesday, for tomorrow Ash Wednesday I may suffer for the good of the body.

Anna just asked me if I was going cold turkey and I informed her I didnt think it was advisable. I think my body would go into a case of the "bends" not being able to withstand that kind of extreme atmospheric change. Perhaps I will need to hold firm and fight back when the next "tired con" comes along. Off to buy Fresca, my new placebo.

2004-02-23T22:22:00.000-06:00

Pre Quitting Day 1 - Tomorrow is Fat Tuesday, I will continue to drink through. I have decided that my teeth are cracking and falling out, mainly from the sorbic acid and my heart races when I have one, so it is time.

But for now I dabble with my poison and rationalize it is just this ONE. ;-) Last Saturday I had one after going without it for 2 days (my teeth were aching) and I got a migraine! Can you imagine? I use to get headaches when I DIDNT have one. It will be hard, but this time, with my blog for my sponsor, I must stop!

Love me tender Love me true, If only for one more day!
Mar